My Journey to Truth

Tags

Atheism, beliefs, deep thoughts, Freedom, God, Life, lifes-journey, Truth

For many years, I thought Truth was the way of worship I grew up in. I worshipped God within the Truth, and I did not see that it was possible to worship and please God in any other way. I was in and out of Truth as I was willing and unwilling for the parameters thereof.

When I was in my forties, I saw Truth as Jesus – He said, “I am the truth, the light and the way.” I felt freedom and joy in celebrating Him instead of the narrowness of the sect of my youth. I dove into the Bible and found, amongst the love and grace, so many things that I know I had questioned in my heart for as long as I could remember. Confusing things. Untrue things. Evil things. But… God’s mind was higher than my mind, God’s ways were not my ways. He works in mysterious ways, his mercies to bestow. I was not willing to explore anything but the perfection, omniscience and omnipotence of God.

Then, one afternoon, I was having a deep conversation about my beliefs, and where I was, spiritually, in my life. The person I was speaking to was also talking about his thoughts and beliefs about God. It was a profound and edifying conversation, and I felt comfortable speaking about anything with him. During this conversation, I had an epiphany that changed everything for me. It was my path to the realization of what truth means. Truth is factual.

I remember talking about who ‘my God’ was. I had decided that MY God wasn’t the Old Testament God. That OT God was angry, vengeful, a respecter of persons. He was genocidal and acceptant of slavery and warmongering. MY God was also not the God of my childhood: a strict parent, unbending, exacting. Expecting total obedience and obeisance and love from the depth of my heart. Failing that, He would abandon me to eternal hell fire and torment. That was no longer my belief. That was no longer my God. MY God was also not the God who mostly left me to my own devices.

No. MY God was a god who loved me unconditionally. Who was my best friend. Who would listen and support me every minute of every day, and gently convict me of right and wrong rather than dole out punishment and reward. I wanted MY God to be available for me to pray to and speak with at any time, and who would reply and answer my prayers, even if the answer was sometimes NO.

My friend said that his God was LOVE; everything love, every kind of love. If he felt love, he was feeling God.

It dawned on me, that we had each created our own God! I had decided who God was, what he was like, and then was ready to worship this creation of my own idea of perfection. What if, instead of God creating mankind, mankind created God?

But…The Bible says that God is unchanging. That he is all things to all people. Whatever Christian/Jewish God you believe in, though, can be justified in the Bible. You just find the verses that best describe God as what you want Him to be. However, there is no way that God can be all of these diametrically opposing things. So why is the God of the Bible not consistent? Because the Bible contains many different accounts, and each author is writing about their own idea of God.

If humans created God, what purpose does He serve? Originally, supernatural beings were thought to be responsible for the rain, the thunder, the stars, etc., because we, as humans, did not know how or why else they would exist. When science discovered answers to these questions, the god of thunder, the god of rain, etc., were not needed any more. There are so many things that were attributed to God or gods that we now know had natural, scientific causes. Some you will see in the Bible. We know that the rainbow is reflected/refracted light, and don’t need the myth of Noah’s ark to explain it, for example.

There are still many things about the natural and physiological and spiritual worlds that we don’t know; but why do we have to attribute these things to a God? So far in our exploration of how things work, it hasn’t been God that is causing things.

But where did things come from? God must have created everything, right? But why must he have? Nothing comes from nothing, right? So, Something or Someone must have created things. However, when you follow this to its logical next step, who created the creator? I always was told that no one created God – he was always there, eternal. But if we can say HE was always there and didn’t need a creator, why can we not say the universe was always there and didn’t need a creator? They say (and can prove) the ‘big bang’ set things in motion; but what caused the big bang? What caused whatever caused the big bang? We don’t know. We may never know. But why does that mean we need to create an answer if we don’t have one?

If we don’t need God to explain the universe and the creation of life, why do we still go on with the myth? There are many reasons: As children, all our needs were taken care of, and we didn’t have to face the big world by ourselves. Enter the ‘heavenly father’. Enter the Biblical guidebook. We don’t have to make our own decisions. We don’t have to develop our own moral compass – we are told what is right and what is wrong, and what the punishment will be if we don’t do as we are told. We are worried about life’s end – what happens when we die? Look in the book – it says that this is not the only life, just the beginning. But does it say that, really? The Old Testament doesn’t talk of heaven. The Jews don’t believe in heaven. In the New Testament, Jesus talks of ‘many mansions’ and ‘his father’s house’ and preparing a place – but theists can’t even agree what the Bible is saying about our afterlife. Some believe in purgatory, a system of levels of reward. Some believe upon death, the soul goes directly to heaven. There is also something about souls resting under the altar, waiting for judgement before they go to heaven. And what, exactly, is heaven? Does Jesus go into details? Most of what Christians commonly suppose heaven will be like is another myth.

What happens when we die? We don’t know for sure. No one has firsthand knowledge. Until we know, why make things up?

Belief in God is comforting. God loves us even when others don’t. Difficult times in life can be explained by thinking that God has a plan that we just don’t understand. Terrible events and terrible people will be punished and adjusted and not allowed to prevail. God can provide understanding when our thoughts and motives and ideas can’t be explained or believed by other people. And those things are good, right?

Maybe not. Do we use the idea of God as an excuse not to grow, not to learn to fight our own battles, not to forge loving connections with others, not to accept our own selves as worthwhile and contributing members of our society? Do we use God to justify our own hate and superiority over people who believe, act, look, speak differently than we do?

I realized that justifying the existence of God (Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Egyptian, Greek, Roman… etc.) is like trying to believe in Santa Claus. It would be nice if it were true, for the most part, but all the evidence points in the other direction. And really, a lot of the details are the same. Santa sees you all the time (great idea to keep children from acting up), so does God (maybe to keep people under control?). Santa is invisible and can answer requests from people around the world (but not in non-Christian countries or poverty-stricken areas. And not requests for important things like the end of war, the cure of sickness, the return of a deceased loved one, or even food for the starving.) God answers prayers, but only for things that have a reasonable chance of happening anyway. He can heal the sick who are already being cared for in hospitals and may recover… but have you ever witnessed him regrowing a limb for an amputee, for example? He may answer your prayer for a parking spot near the drug store but then not hear the prayer of parents asking him to spare their children from starvation or disease. And yet, most adults will accept, without a lot of thought, that the Santa Claus character is not real. Can you prove he doesn’t exist? Now use those same objections with the God character.

But what if I am wrong? Does it hurt to worship God, just in case He’s real? Well, which God should I worship, just in case? Jesus? But if the Jews are right, that would fail. If the Muslims are right, that would fail. Maybe I should worship Allah. But if the Christians are right, that would fail. If the Buddhists were right, that would fail. Zeus or Thor? Appollo or Diana? In fact, there are thousands of gods that people believe with all their hearts to be real. And that’s not even counting the different denominations within the worship of each God. Should I worship Jesus as a Catholic? That is the oldest recorded way of Christian worship. Or as a protestant? Baptist, Methodist, United, Church of England? Or something more off the beaten path – should I be a Mormon? A Pentecostal? A Unitarian? Would worshipping any one of these things cover the ‘just in case’ scenario – or just the one that you believe in? Did you know that almost all of the people in the world who believe in a god believe in the god and the denomination that they were taught to believe by their parents? And that, in North America, is the Christian God.

But if you were born in China, you’d be more likely to believe in Buddha. If you were born and raised in India, maybe you’d be worshipping Ganesh. So, if the Christian God is not willing that anyone should perish, but all have eternal life, why would he make it more difficult for 3\4 of the world to even know he existed, let alone to cast aside their inborn belief in their own gods to worship him?

And the small sect I grew up in – is it the One and Only Way to heaven? What hubris to think that I would be born into the only correct way to worship the only correct God so that I could be worthy to be made worthy to get into heaven!

So, as much as believing in God was comfortable to me, and self-confirming because part of the belief is not to trust my own thoughts and reasonings, the facts speak for themselves. What is true, what is real, what makes sense is that the concept of God is a story mankind has told itself. Much like Santa Claus, once I’ve seen the myth for what it is, I cannot unsee it. I’d love to believe in fairies and magic and leprechauns, and I can pretend for a while – I can believe for the purposes of a story, be convinced for a fun hour or two, but in the end, I know it is pretend.

I don’t hate God. I’m not mad at God. I’m not bitter about God. But the truth is, God does not exist.

Me Too

I imagine that everyone is tired of hearing about that court case where the exes are fighting about who hurt who worse.  I was never that interested in it.  It did, however, bring a thought to my mind that I’ve been waiting for someone to bring up.  I’ve watched all the memes, the rants, the groups, but none of them are talking about what I think is the most important thing to talk about in the whole situation.

From what I can tell, they were both abusive, but everyone sided with him because he seemed more honest, and they loved him in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.  No one seems to debate that there was abuse in that relationship, for sure.

He sued her for claiming that she had been in an abusive relationship, obviously meaning with him, although she didn’t name him.  Of course, if she said it to hurt his career, that’s terrible!  If she said it and it didn’t happen, that’s terrible, too.

But think about it.  There is now precedent for someone to take a victim to court because they spoke out.  Does no one else see this as a huge step back in the fight against domestic violence?  A person gets beaten or raped or degraded.  That’s the first bad thing.  The person goes to the police and must answer personal and embarrassing questions, be poked and prodded, have pictures of injuries taken, have their credibility questioned.  Often, they are told it’s their word against their abuser’s word.  That’s the second assault.  Now, if they even try to bring the abuse to light, they face being sued for defamation of character.  In my mind that’s the assault that might break the camel’s back!

Years ago, I was inappropriately propositioned by an employer and then fired when I refused to go along.  It was embarrassing, unfair, made me feel like I’d done something wrong, took away my source of income.  Back then, I didn’t speak out.  I just shut up and internalized it.  I didn’t even tell my friends because it made me feel dirty and ashamed.

Since then, we’ve had the ‘me too’ revolution.  Come forward they said.  Put the blame where it belongs.  Don’t suffer in silence.  Let people share your pain, even if you don’t plan to take it any further than that.  We are sisters (some brothers, too).  We support each other.

But I know now that If I were to speak out and say – “hey, I was inappropriately propositioned by my ex-boss”, and that ex-boss of mine heard or read that I’d said that, he could sue me.  He would think I must be talking about him, even if I don’t mention his name.  He owns a business.  People know I worked for him.  He could lose customers.

Now, here is the kicker: is there enough evidence that I could bring forward to prove that I wasn’t just being defamatory?  Even if I had pictures and witnesses, could I prove that I wasn’t the one who was at fault?  Maybe he has more influential friends and could bring more credible evidence that I had ‘asked for it’.  I would be in danger of having to pay huge defamation charges simply because I’d told my story about a very difficult experience.

If it came down to testimony, I might seem like a whiny, entitled witch.  When I’m upset, my voice goes all shrill and teary, and I forget words to use.  Also, when I stand up for myself, I can seem bossy, strident, aggressive.

My ex-boss is a smooth talker.  People like him.  He does charity work and is popular in the community.  I might be able to bring another person that alleges the same abuse; but he might be able to bring evidence that I’d had experiences before and had said another person had abused me too.

It could get messy and horrible and degrading. And then, I could be ordered to pay him millions of dollars of damages.

So, the message to the women and men who have stories of hurt, degradation, abuse and pain is this: Shut up.  Keep it to yourself. You might have been as much to blame as your abuser was.  If you say anything about anyone that you can’t prove in a court of law, you could be sued for defamation and loss of income.

And for all the promises for support, togetherness, people standing with you and believing your pain that we’ve been told, it might not work that way. You may end up bearing the brunt of anger and vitriol and hate and derision from the very people who said they’d support you. Your accused abuser may be a well-liked person, or your perception of events may be different than someone else’s.

It turns out that both those famous people in the news may have been abused – but each of them obviously thought that the other was the abuser.  I see no lie in telling someone you felt you were in an abusive relationship.  But the judge’s ruling was that the woman should not have said that she was abused.  To the tune of $15,000,000. And the man should not have abused her.  To the tune of $2,000,000.

Welcome back to the time of hiding your bruises behind a scarf and giggling when your boss grabs your ass at the office.

Beautiful?

Tags

beauty, deep thoughts, Freedom, obesity, self-esteem

I just noticed that most of what I write is reactive.  Maybe I am lacking in imagination, but no subject I think of stirs me up enough to want to write.  Then I read something that makes me angry.  Or happy.  Or opinionated.  And off I go!

Instead of the traditional leggy, skinny girls, this year’s Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition includes some models that look more like normal people.  Not to say that the traditional leggy, skinny girls can’t be normal as well, but they are not the only type of people that are seen as attractive, beautiful, or sexy. 

A lovely ‘plus sized’ model named Yumi Nu’s picture was chosen for the cover of the magazine.  By plus sized, I mean about a size 12.  Very lovely looking Asian girl.

So, this Twitter ‘influencer’ and self-styled life coach, who has thousands of followers, Dr. Jordan Peterson, took it on himself to comment on the cover model.  He said:

“Sorry. Not beautiful.  And no amount of authoritarian tolerance is going to change that.”

Those are the facts.  The internet kind of exploded, and most people came down on the side of Yumi Nu, but there were lots of people who agreed with Peterson.

Fat shaming bothers me.  No big shock there.  And/or racism – because who knows what his problem with her was?  But that’s not even what I want to talk about.

My head shaking moment was the phrase “authoritarian tolerance”.  This was the first time I’d seen the phrase, but the concept has been broached a lot lately.  Apparently, any attempt to change the status quo attitude in the name of inclusion is a left-wing conspiracy being forced on everyone who wants things to remain the same.

Let’s break that down a bit, shall we?  An authoritarian regime is one in which you must follow the word of the leaders, with no room for tolerance.  But mandating tolerance is apparently what the issue is here.  Is it even possible to have authoritarian tolerance?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, they say.  So, if we are forcing people to tolerate something that is not beauty in the name of inclusion, who’s idea of beauty are we using as a template? We have been locked into a stereotype of beauty that no one voted on.  The media, the people in power, the creepy old guys that liked their women to have certain measurements to be attractive – they are who have decided the beauty standards we have lived with in this century, and most of the last.

If Dr. Peterson has fallen into the trap of being told what beauty is, and been unwilling to let anyone else think outside of that trap, then he is the authoritarian.  Beauty isn’t a fixed set of rules, and people’s ideas of beauty change as society changes.

Have you seen any of the paintings of nudes by the old masters?  They painted beautiful women.  But if one of those ladies were put on the cover of a magazine, would she be derided for having extra flesh, sallow skin, cellulite, or an imperfect smile?  Because at that time, those characteristics were found very attractive in a woman.

Now if, as a society, we are changing what we see as beautiful, and you aren’t evolved to that point yet, you have the right to not buy the magazine, not look at the picture, and not imagine yourself with her in your arms.

No one is mandating that Dr. Peterson think that Nu is beautiful – which I assume he thinks to be the case because of his use of that phrase ‘authoritarian tolerance’. What we are doing is mandating that he doesn’t make judgements and mock someone for being different than his idea of beauty.

There are lots of people who don’t meet my personal ideals of beauty, and that’s okay.  And if I want to talk to my friends about what characteristics I find attractive or not attractive, I have the right to do so.  But going in front of thousands of people and saying that anyone who doesn’t share my views must be the victim of forced tolerance would only prove my own attempts at authoritarianism.

No one should have to force tolerance.  Or force the appearance of tolerance, because that’s all it would be.  Tolerance is something that every one of us should have learned as a child.  Because if we aren’t tolerating others and their differences, we are saying that we are better than anyone else.  If everyone else doesn’t think the way we do, look the way we do, do the things we do, and feel the way we do, then they are less than we are, and we don’t have to give them respect or human dignity.  Further, to speak out against anyone that would treat these ‘lesser beings’ with respect and dignity, and attempt to discredit them, is authoritarian INtolerance.

Just My Opinion

Tags

deep thoughts, disinformation, Freedom, Misinformation, opinion, Truth

This is not a political argument, but it might sound like one. I don’t know when I got political, or if the world just changed so that my views all fall on one side of the current political spectrum, but I notice that I have chosen a side without really trying. Anyway, this isn’t political.

I read a thing on social media that was attributed to someone I didn’t know. It sounded ludicrous to me, and it had thousands of comments with people arguing one way or the other about it. It said that the words ‘disinformation’ and ‘misinformation’ should not exist. That information is just information, and that everyone can decide what to believe for themselves.

That is saying that there is no such thing as true and false. That everything is up for debate. As I thought about it, I thought, well, maybe…. If I said the sky is blue and you said it was green, is one or the other fact, or does it depend on your situation, your opinion? You might be wearing coloured glasses, or just see colours differently. To you it might be green. People can listen to your opinion and to my opinion, and make up their own minds about the sky. I think that was the argument the poster was trying to make; that everything is fluid, neither true or false, only how you see it to be, and we should accept people’s alternate facts as being how some other people see things.

My argument though, (I didn’t respond to the post, I’m just going to argue the point here), is that there are verifiable truths out there. If I say there is poison in the cup and you say it’s apple juice, do we just get to have our own opinions on it? What if you take that cup full of poison, (or apple juice), out to other people and tell them it’s apple juice. Not misinformation? Just sharing your opinion? You see where I’m going with this, right?

If you doubt that I am telling the truth, verify it! If there are verifiable results that say for certain I am telling the truth, do you get to keep your original opinion and still offer the cup to people as apple juice? You are now fully aware that it is not apple juice. Would that not be misinformation, or to be more succinct, a lie? If you wanted what was in the cup to be apple juice and were trying to justify the fact that it was just proved in verified tests to be poison, would it not be disinformation that you were spreading? Or would you try to throw doubt on the verification by saying things like “People who didn’t drink from the cup die, too, you can’t prove that the person I gave a drink from the cup died from what was in the cup. Look it up – Apple juice is yellow, what’s in the cup is yellow, it must be apple juice. I heard from my friend’s brother’s next door neighbor that he drank what was in the cup and didn’t die and he said it tasted like apple juice. They just want you to think it’s poison because they want all of the apple juice for themselves!”

Knowing this, and knowing what is true, should I be happy to accept someone else’s ‘opinion’ to be as valid as fact? If I care for my fellow man, and I know that you are leading them to drink poison, would it not be right to try to stop you in any way I could? Like fact checking your Face Book posts and replacing them with a link that has the peer reviewed, double blind, scientifically verified facts? Or should I respect your rights of ‘free speech’ and just accept it as a different opinion than mine? Once this poison has been proven by many different sources, including some of your own friends and several courts of law, and you continue to loudly proclaim and use whatever platform you can to state that it is apple juice, at what point does it stop being opinion and become murder? And if I kick you off of public forums so that you cannot reach as many people with the lie, does that take away your freedom of speech?

Setting aside my example above, what kind of a world would we live in if there was no such thing as truth? As lies? If I went to the store and told my husband I didn’t, is that a lie, or just my opinion of events? Nobody could trust anyone. You could not depend on anything in life.

No. I refute the whole idea as claptrap. My opinion does not trump facts. Nor does it equal the knowledge of someone who is educated in the field I am verifying. There is such a thing as misinformation, disinformation and propaganda, even when (especially when) I have to admit that sometimes I fall for it.

But that’s just my opinion.

Ridiculous

Tags

deep thoughts, division

Remember when it was proposed that feminine sanitary products be available at no cost? And the argument against it was that women might take advantage of that and use more than they needed? If anyone does not see how ludicrous this is, stop reading right now, the rest of this piece will make no sense to you.

If you are still reading, welcome to common sense. Much like the situation above, the push against abortion in the US is ludicrous to me. Never mind bodily autonomy. Never mind what percentage of women who have abortions report that it is because of rape or violence or financial straights or medical issues. Never mind all of the reasons for or against abortion, although I do get that they are important to you morally.

Because, if you think about it, who REALLY thinks that anyone ENJOYS getting an abortion? That anyone would choose an abortion because it’s fun and easy, or because they feel the urge to murder? Or even take it lightly as a method of birth control?

You all understand that abortion is painful, physically and emotionally; that it’s messy and horrible and in no way enjoyable, right? So, even if people don’t always report the reason for their decision, it is done for a reason that is deeply important to them.

There are as many different reasons that this decision is made as there are women considering it. And yet, I am willing to bet big money that few, if any, of them has said to themselves “Meh, I won’t bother with birth control, if I get pregnant I can always have an abortion.”

I really want to go on arguing about why this choice should NOT be the business of the state. There are so many arguments. But I won’t. Because what I want to leave you with is that there are reasons to terminate a pregnancy that are so huge that a woman will consider this invasive, painful procedure to do so. And, as I am not in their position, I am also not in a position to judge. Their body, their choice. Why make a horrible situation worse by ‘punishing’ the people going through it with legal consequences?

Beyond Body Work

Tags

automotive metaphor, Body positivity, Life, obesity

Yesterday I was thinking about my body.

For those who follow my blog because of political rants and musings, I’m afraid this likely won’t interest you in the least. But this is a very eclectic blog, and you never know what you’ll get; that’s part of the fun!

I have hated my body for as long as I can remember. I know HATE is a strong word, but I have had very strong feelings about it, so the word seems to fit.

I hated my fatness, and I identified as ‘fat’ from when I was a little girl. I was chubby and awkward. I felt like I was always dieting and trying to be more athletic, but failing miserably over and over again.

I was sick a great deal of the time growing up, and as an adult, too. I had surgeries for gall bladder removal, carpal tunnel syndrome, mole removal, and hysterectomy to remove a watermelon sized cyst. I had sprains, strains and a broken bone. Diabetes, hypertension, depression, metabolic disorder, heart rhythm problems, even a small heart attack. I was morbidly obese. Back problems, pinched nerves, juvenile arthritis, astigmatism and unspecified epileptic episodes. I had issues with my one pregnancy and had a very high risk birth. I was advised to not have any more babies after my first, because my body couldn’t handle pregnancy.

I’m sure I could go on, but you get the gist. I hated my body, and it hated me. Even after I had bariatric surgery and lost 135 pounds, I still hated my body. Then, three different skin removal surgeries, but so much more loose skin to obsess and worry about.

I still look in the mirror and pick out all of the glaring problems with my body. I try to dress to hide the imperfections, and only stand certain ways in pictures.

And then yesterday, I was thinking about my body. I was thinking about all of the things it’s been through and still keeps going. If it were a vehicle and had been asked to carry heavy loads using substandard fuel while driving through bad terrain and having things thrown at it, it would have given out after a few years at best. And yet, here I am, in what I have long thought was a substandard body, still living life, able to walk and work and love and discover new things; still enjoying food and drink. Able to see, hear, cry and laugh – and think and write wisdom and nonsense.

I have scars and stretchmarks, baggy skin, painful joints and muscles, hair that is now and has always been ridiculous, fat deposits in places where they shouldn’t be, and lack of fat in places where there should be.

Yesterday, for the first time I can remember, I was able to celebrate my body for what it is and what it has put up with. I thought of how proud I was of it for braving the traumas and weathering the storms.

Usually, in the springtime, the time of new beginnings and renewals, I make vows to change my body. Get rid of this or that roll of fat, fit into this or that outfit, take my punishment for this or that unhealthy decision.

This year, my goal is to look after this gift I’ve been given. To love and honor my body that has served me for 54 years and been the scapegoat of my life. Feed it high quality fuel when possible, keep it hydrated and lubricated and accept when it can’t go as fast or as far as I want it to. Let it out to enjoy life! And put less worry into the spot of rust on the fender, and more joy into the fact that I can still get it into third gear.

A different kind of family

Tags

Books, deep thoughts, division, Life

So today, in an effort to not explode over everyone in America blaming Biden for high gas prices (never mind the rest of the world having high gas prices without Biden being their president), I decided to look at a nice story about penguins.

Except… this story wasn’t a story about penguins, it was a story about a story about penguins. And it is a platform for some of the worst, most vile anger and hate I’ve ever seen. Seriously, I can’t even imagine how some people’s brains work.

“And Tango Makes Three” is a children’s book. It is based on a true story about two male penguins at the Central Park Zoo who formed an attachment, and an egg that had no one to look after it. Roy and Silo hatched the egg and were just like the other families. The baby penguin is raised by two ‘dads’. This book is apparently one of the top 6 banned books in the past 20 years.

The article that I was reading was commenting about the fact that a teacher read it to his kindergarten class. People were full of hate and anger about this. The comment that stands out to me was something like “what kind of a twisted pervert would read about sexual deviance to kindergarten kids?”

Does it have sex in it? No. Does it have violence in it? No. Does it say your family should be gay? No. Is it even about homosexuality? No. It is about a non-traditional family that was full of love and devotion.

I think that people somehow conflate being gay with sex. Being gay is not about sex any more than being straight is about sex. If you are a child in a home with two dads or two moms, you don’t think any more about your parents having sex than you do when you are a child in a home with one dad and one mom.

Whether or not you ‘believe’ in people with a difference in sexual orientation living their lives, it is happening. For the Christians reading this, Jesus never said a single word about homosexuality that we have recorded – but he said a great deal about religious people looking down on people who didn’t stick to all the old rules and traditions.

The people who worry that knowing about different orientations will ‘turn their child gay’, must really have latent sexuality issues themselves. Do you think that being with a same-sex partner sounds so good that if kids knew they could do it, they would? Because those LGBTQ2S people have been around traditional relationships their whole lives, and it hasn’t turned them straight.

So, I challenge all of my readers to read the book and judge for yourselves. Then, decide whether this children’s book deserves to be one of the most banned books in the world. Also, remember all of the fuss people made when a publisher decided to retire a couple of books because they contained racist stereotypes. They weren’t banned, taken out of libraries, taken out of schools… the publishers just decided not to republish those books. The people screamed ‘book banning,’ ‘cancel culture,’ ‘antifa’!!! And this lovely little book about three ACTUAL penguins has been actually banned in schools, libraries, and stores.

People are nuts.

World War III

Tags

war; Zelinsky; Russia; peace; bully

I listened to President Zelinsky speak to the Canadian Parliament yesterday. It gave me the ‘feels’.

I feel sad and horrified and afraid for the Ukrainian people. I feel anxious and terrified and worried for the Canadian people (are we next? We do share an arctic border with Russia!). I feel confused and perplexed at the leaders of the ‘free world’ and how they are handling this crisis. My heart is full of feelings.

I am also a bit angry. Allow me a flight of metaphoric fantasy here:

We are children in a playground. A large number of us are in a social club and have sworn to look after each other and keep the playground peaceful. We see a big bully approach a smaller, weaker child who is not in our club and start hitting him with a stick. Yes, we might try our words first to stop it, and then we might say we will take the bully’s lunch money from his locker. But would we then just stand around and watch while the bully beat the snot out of the smaller child as he cries out for our help? What if the bully showed us that behind his back he was carrying a knife and said he would use it if anyone stepped in to help the smaller child? Realizing that most of us in the club also have knives, would we not all step up in front of the bully as a group and brandish our own knives? There are more of us and we have as much violence at our disposal as he does. If we do, true, someone might get seriously hurt with knives. But if we don’t, we give the power to the bully and he knows he is free to beat the child to death. And another child tomorrow. And just because he’s seen our knives doesn’t mean we have to use them; but he needs to know that his knife does not guarantee him the upper hand. Also, we have said that we are willing to use whatever force is necessary if the bully attacks anyone in our club. The small child might have joined our club, but the bully has made it clear that he is not allowed to do that. But if he were in our club, we would have no problem risking a knife fight for him. Because he is not, his life and wellbeing are not important to us. One of us might get hurt, and that’s a thousand times worse than letting the smaller child be beaten to death.

Okay, maybe the metaphor doesn’t cover all of the pertinent points, but I feel that this is pretty much how NATO is handling this war.

WE have given Putin the power. We have let Putin decide what might provoke him to make war with us instead of us deciding that the crimes he has already committed have provoked us to make war on him. Either way, it looks like WWIII is coming. The question is whether we will go into it in a position of power or a position of weakness.

Maybe peace without victory is possible. Maybe we should just mind our own business while the offending country takes over Austria, The Sudetenland, Poland… Oh, wait, that was Hitler and Germany; and letting him beat those countries into submission did not prevent a war, but put the Allies at a huge disadvantage before war officially even began.

After WWII, NATO was formed, with the purpose of ‘Never Again’. And yet, here we are.

My brother and I were discussing what needs to happen (because we are experts in all subjects, of course), and decided that we need a real world leader. Someone who doesn’t care what people say or where their next votes are going to come from. NATO needs it’s own Zelinsky!

Freedom

Tags

Canada, Freedom, Russia, Support, Ukraine

As with most people, I am horrified, angry, sad, disconcerted and heartbroken over the attempted overthrowing of Ukraine. I am additionally awed and uplifted by the strength and bravery shown by the Ukrainian people. They face great harm in standing up to a very real and present danger for the sake of their country and its system of democracy.

I am also humbled by the strength and bravery shown by the Russian people against their own dictator’s choices. These Russian protesters face punishment that Canadians would find inhumane to use against our most evil rapists and murderers. And yet, they protest. They do not block access to streets or businesses. They do not occupy public spaces for weeks. They do not expect funding from foreign or domestic sources to pay for work missed or fuel used during their protest. They stand on the sidewalks with signs that signal their opposition to the brutal war against their Ukrainian brothers, and they protest. Their protests are seen and heard, despite propaganda, despite government control. In fact, this is the main reason their protests are silenced so quickly and violently. Their government does not want the people to know that everyone in the country doesn’t agree with the party line. But the government is not quick enough. The Russians see it. The world sees it.

The fact that these heroic protests are happening so soon after the ‘freedom’ protests in Canada just underline the difference between entitled people who already have a huge degree of freedom and people who are really fighting for freedom. It makes me embarrassed to be Canadian. The convoy-ers used the Canadian flag and the Canadian anthem to symbolize their demands as the demands of all of Canada.

I am happy to live in a free country that no one is currently trying to overthrow. I am happy that we have the RIGHT to protest whatever our hearts desire. I am happy that I can make my views known by protesting, marching, bringing my issue to the front of people’s consciousness. And, most of all, I am happy that I have the privilege to vote for our leaders without coercion or predetermined outcomes. That is freedom. And there are rules that keep this freedom in place.

I am not allowed to vote more than once. I am not allowed to vote until I am of age. I am not allowed to intimidate others for their vote.

I am not allowed to block public roadways or to hinder day-to-day business or personal lives of other Canadians. I am not allowed to blast noise, especially after 9PM. When I am asked by the police to cease and desist and clearly made aware of the consequences if I choose to disregard these requests, I am choosing to accept the consequences.

Society has rules. Society without limits on personal freedoms ends up by having no freedom for anyone.

Putin has given himself total freedom. He can decide to take his forces into another country, kill their people and subvert their government to his own country’s rules and regulations. He can dance on their graves and pee on their monuments. He can kill his own people if he doesn’t agree with them. Everything is totally up to him and what he decides is right. But his freedom means the bondage of millions of other people. And does he really have unlimited freedom after all? The world is imposing consequences for his horrible choices, therefore even someone who believes he has total rights is not totally free.

So anyone who thinks your ‘freedom’ protest in Canada is in any way comparable to the Ukrainian and Russian people’s protests, is, in my opinion, sadly mistaken. The fact that you were free to have a pig roast, bouncy castle, camper vans and an ongoing concert for three weeks, without being afraid of being shot, beaten and/or dragged off to jail attests to the fact that you have gallons and miles of freedom already in this country. And the fact that some of the rule breakers now are having to answer for their law-breaking in court does not equate to spending the rest of their lives in a prison camp in Siberia.

Things don’t always go the way we want them to. Does this mean we are not free? No. In Canada it means that there were more people that wanted things this way than that way – they chose this leader over that leader. As many people who felt un-free because they were required to mask, socially distance, and get vaccinated, that many and more would feel un-free if the government just let Covid sweep the country without requiring these measures. No government will please all of the people all of the time. Sometimes you’re the pigeon, sometimes you’re the statue. And that, my friends is what democracy is all about. And if you know of a system of government that gives you more freedom than our democracy, feel free to live there.

My thoughts, my support, my energy is with Ukraine right now. I want to ask those of you who contributed to the ‘freedom convoy’ in Canada to spend as much or more money, time, energy, outrage and empathy on the fight for freedom in Ukraine. For the sake of Freedom. For the sake of Humanity.

Best Foot Forward

Tags

laughter, Life, Murphy's Law, saying the wrong thing

Now for something a little lighter.  It’s an experience-based observation. Here it is:  If you are going to act like an idiot who has no idea what you are talking about, you will likely do it in front of the highest level of management you can find.

I am filling in by sorting mail and doing deposits at the office while our receptionist is on a medical leave.  Sounds okay, I’ve done most of these duties before – although for the second shift in a row, I couldn’t get the reception Outlook to open, which makes sending scans of cheques, etc. a bit frustrating.

While I am sorting the mail, our regional vice president Bob walks by just as I’m opening an envelope marked The Chief Executive Officer of *my companies name*. As far as I am aware, we have no CEO at our company, so I ask Bob if we have a CEO. He says no, so I show him the letter.  After looking at it for a bit, he says, “Maybe Tim S. would be the best one to give it to.”  I thanked him, and he went on his way.

Now, I wasn’t sure who Tim S. was so I looked him up in our employees list.  It said he was the Canadian Vice President of Operations, and that he worked in Central Office, which meant I should be able to deliver the letter straight to him.  I asked our maintenance worker if he knew where Tim’s office was, and he took me to an office that apparently had been Tim’s, but Tim had just moved out of it.  We wandered around the office building until we finally found an office with his name on it.  Tim saw me looking in the glass beside the door, and beckoned for me to come in.

I wasn’t the least bit nervous, but he looked kind of cranky, as if I were bothering him while he was busy.

Remember that I had never seen him before, or he me, as far as I know.

Did I go in with a smile and say “Nice to meet you, Tim, I’m Donna, filling in for Debbie for a few weeks, and usually work from home”?  No.  Did I say “Sorry to bother you, you look busy, I’ll just leave this for you to look at”?  No

What I said, as I held out the envelope was “Bob says it’s you this is for.  I mean Bob says you should do this envelope.  I mean you need to look at this…”

He said, in a dazed and annoyed voice: “Well give it to me so I can look at it then!”

Then I did a sort of curtsy and backed out of the room in a shuffle step, shutting the door behind me.

I’m pretty sure he thinks I have special needs and that I was working above my abilities.

It’s a good thing that I’m not looking for a promotion anytime soon!

Chaos

Tags

deep thoughts, division, freedom convoy

This concern has been bubbling up within me for some time now, but I especially feel it during this ‘freedom rally’.

Our world society is breaking and is setting us up for some terrible times ahead – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, politically, financially – pretty much in every way that can be imagined. Our divisions are becoming wider, our acceptance of others narrower, our trust in anything we see, hear and understand is less and less.

There have always been differences between humans, and we have evolved to protect our own group, our own beliefs, the lives of people like us. This has created an Us vs Them humanity where it’s okay to hate someone that is different from us and ours. I don’t know for how long, but while I’ve been alive, there have been people who are striving to grow past this, to become more inclusive, less sexist, racist, homophobic, marginalizing, exclusionary. And there are those who reject this goal because they see it as losing their advantage, of things not being as good or as easy for them.

I’m sure you’ve already picked up my bias, as I’ve seen one group as striving to grow and one group as worrying about themselves. It is hard not to have opinions and to see opposing opinions as wrong; it’s how we are. I realize that everyone’s life has always been a dichotomy of opinions about pet peeves, outrages, consequences and whether we like coffee or tea or pineapple on our pizza.

What has been happening in the last several years, though, has taken our human differences, our individuality, and created such a big divide, such outrage, such anger that I can’t see how we will ever heal from it. What changed? What magnified our differences and minimized our common bonds? As much as I don’t want to believe it, I can see only one answer – or at least a series of answers that emerge from one source. Social Media.

I have loved social media. Saying hello to friends that I wouldn’t have kept in touch with otherwise. Playing shared games and puzzles. Getting that boost when I post about a bad day and people say nice things and commiserate and tell me that I’m wonderful and I’m loved. Chatting with extended family in a group. Seeing pictures of people and things I never would have seen.

I’ve even enjoyed reading articles that friends post. And that are posted by… who?… companies, groups, individuals that I don’t know, and shared amongst my friend group. Sweet thoughts and pictures of kittens and cake recipes, and news of what is happening in the world. News that is posted by recognized media like our local newspaper and tv channel, and news that is posted by people and companies that I don’t recognize, but they sure seem to know what they are talking about. Updates on the virus and other updates that say the first updates are wrong. Then other articles that have real doctors that agree that everyone else has it wrong. Then people saying that original news media have been lying to us for years and we can’t trust them. That something bigger and scarier is behind the lies. And people we know are commenting on this, saying it’s true.

Okay, but I’m not stupid, I can make up my own mind where I fall on the issues. But something happens that isn’t that obvious. Algorithms in the social media company start to only show me articles that agree with ones I’ve already read and liked. And those have links to things that are a little bit more radical, and a little bit harsher against the other side. And there IS another side, but it looks so ridiculous that people are believing what they are saying on the other side, because there is SO much information that supports what I believe. And some of my friends are saying to go and look at sources that have been fact checked and resources that are peer reviewed by scientists – but they don’t know that I know all of those ‘trusted’ sources are lying and cannot be trusted anymore. I comment on their message that they need to wake up and realize that they are being taken in by the ‘fake news’, and they are idiots.

Okay, so I took you down one rabbit hole into one side of a debate. There are so many other factors that make people believe things firmly and without doubt. There are foreign influences that post opinions on fake accounts, countries that want to destabilize ours that pay ‘influencers’ to post positive things about their regimes, and large radicalized groups like white supremacists who pretend to be Christian organizations. And that sentence right there sounds like a conspiracy theory of its own, doesn’t it? I heard it on a CBC documentary that I have always trusted. Am I being lied to? And which source is telling the truth?

But basically, what Facebook, Twitter, etc. do is to try to get you to stay on their sites for as long as they can so that they can show you as many ads as they can. And they use your site activity to tell them what you are interested in and what makes you outraged enough or excited enough to do that. For example, there was a story that came out about teenaged girls looking up anorexia sites and being shown dieting ads and Facebook pages glorifying thinness and anorexia. Social media certainly does NOT have your best interests at heart, just your consumer dollars.

These social media strategies create what I have heard called ‘echo chambers.’ You see and hear only the things that support your own beliefs and biases and it seems like everyone in the world is on your side. This causes you to believe more and more strongly in your own opinions. You post something, and everyone praises you and agrees with you about it. If one or two of your friends with differing opinions comment something contrary to what everyone else is saying, a thousand people jump on them with guns blazing. You start to believe that not only are you right, the people who disagree with you are crazy or stupid, or sheep. Do you feel the division that is pushing us all apart?

As I am thinking on these things, I’m thinking about and writing about the people on the other side of the equation than I am. Because I feel like I have always had these opinions, I have followed the science, I am being responsible about the virus, I am trusting the government to run our country (with reservations, because, you know, they are politicians). I am trying not to marginalize people that are different than me. I am trying to root out sexism and racism and homophobia. To me, it’s common sense. Any responsible, mature, educated ‘normal’ person would agree with me.

But what are the chances of that? What are the chances that I am 100% right and a huge group of others is 100% wrong? I looked at the situation in USA during the Trump administration and saw a division between people who looked out for themselves and people who had empathy for others. People who were so worked up about ‘freedom’ and ‘the good old days’ that they couldn’t see the trouble they were making for others. But some of those people were people who had previously done good for me and whom I knew had love and compassion for others. What were they seeing that I wasn’t?

And now, with the convoy protest, so many people that I know are good people, are so firmly behind the idea of freedom being the right to make choices that hurt other people with no consequences for themselves, that I can’t even wrap my mind around it. And just the way I’ve written that points to my bias.

I’m sure the ‘other side’ would say something like “I can’t imagine someone like Donna not caring about freedom for Canadians! We all should have the right to bodily autonomy, to accept or refuse what goes into our bodies! Freedom is such an exalted concept – what kind of a crazy person doesn’t want to have freedom in their own country? Even if they are okay with the vaccine, they should worry about what freedoms will be taken away next.”

So I can explain to ‘them’ that in a free society we still need rules and laws and governance or we will become a free-for-all anarchy that will not result in freedom for anyone except the people who own the most land and can pay for the most muscle.

And they will explain to me that if we don’t stand up for freedom, we’ll end up in a Communist country or a dictatorship where we have no freedoms at all.

But it is like talking to a brick wall. I am no more moved by their argument than they are by mine.

And in the middle of the division, pushing to widen the distance, are the people who stand to gain from the chaos – subversive groups, foreign powers, rich people getting richer, social media owners, etc.
I can’t see us ever closing that gap. I can see what is happening, and I still am ready to fight for what I think of as a fact and science based response to a terrible virus, an empathetic response to the downtrodden and wronged, and a government system where our freedom lies in our vote and our voice, not a chaotic free-for-all.

Who gives in? If the freedom fighters are forced back home, they can stew in continued anger, breaking forth into new and worse rage when an opportunity presents itself. Or, they can pretend that they won because sooner or later, the mandates will be dropped. If the freedom fighters are given what they want, the residents of Ottawa will revolt, as well as a good portion of the country, and lose all respect for their government. AND, since the convoy’s tantrum worked, they will hold Canada hostage and either threaten or enact an occupation every time the government does something they don’t like.

Basically, what I’m saying is that differences that used to be somewhat contained are now bigger, worse and more widespread. This isn’t something that people can fight out at the legion with fists.

This one issue is dividing the world – many more countries are joining the ‘freedom’ fight as time passes. And this isn’t the only issue, nor even the worst of the issues that are dividing the world today; and we can all be part of every one of them through the magic of social media.
Terrifying, isn’t it?

Positive Thinking

I’ve been hearing a lot lately about the power of positive thinking.  The idea is, as I understand it, to think, say, feel, believe, all of the things that you want in life as if they are already yours, and the universe will give them to you.

I think this is a lovely idea, a wonderful, colorful, hearts and flowers, ridiculously optimistic way of thinking about life.  I have, however, tried it and have to say that I am not a believer.  On the face of it, what could be the harm in putting hearts and sunshine out there into the world?  What could it hurt?  Here’s where I think this system fails: it makes people responsible for things they have no power over.  There are way too many dark and difficult things in this world that happen randomly, and I refuse to assign blame or lack of positivity to people who have to deal with them.

That homeless person just barely living in the cold and harsh conditions on the downtown streets.  Is he just not thinking hard enough about having everything he wants?

The woman born in a country with Sharia Law that is being daily beat down and punished for having thoughts of her own.  Is she just not believing hard enough that the universe will give her everything she needs?

The child being degraded, beaten or neglected.  Just not being positive enough?

I’ve given some dramatic and extreme examples of things that happen randomly – but what about things we all (even privileged Canadians), deal with every day in our own lives.  Loved ones die.  We get sick. There is poverty, unemployment, hunger.  People we love are harsh with us.  People get bullied. Car accidents and robberies and murders happen.

Although it is empowering to take control of our own lives, and realize that we are in charge of our own happiness, there are definitely limits.  I can choose to be happy with what I have now and thus make a happier life for myself.  I can choose to look after myself, to believe in myself, to work to make my life better.  I’m not saying that I don’t have the power to make changes to improve the condition of my own life.  But…

Will saying I’m a millionaire make me rich?  Will it bring me monetary gain?  Will believing that one is healthy when they have serious illnesses make them better?  Will saying ‘I AM FREE’ give a prisoner freedom?

While I’m all for staying positive, looking on the bright side, and being optimistic, I think that burdening people with total responsibility for things beyond their control is irresponsible and will cause more harm than good.  It makes for a world where we can blame people for their misfortune instead of helping to lift them up.  Where we can look down on those without because they must not really want a better life or they would do something about it.

I’m open to other opinions, but for me, I want to believe the best part of me is one that can empathize with others’ trials and try to bring cheer.  The person who is not afraid to reach out to others for help when bad things are happening to me.  The person who gets stronger with adversity instead of trying to pretend everything is perfect in the hopes that the universe will send me perfection.

Just some thoughts for the day!

Self Care

Tags

health, Mental health, self care, self-esteem

I’ve been thinking about the importance of looking after myself.  Self-care has seemed to me to be indulgent – greedy and self-absorbed.  I sometimes think putting myself first means that I think I’m more important than other people.  But lately I’m trying to change my perspective, based on the fact that I’ve been told my journey to health is dependent on putting self-care on my list of priorities.

So.  What is self-care?  Doing whatever I want?  Giving in to things that I feel would make myself happy?  Turns out, no, that is not what self-care means at all!  Self-care means wanting what is best for me physically, mentally, spiritually, socially – in every way – because I am worth being the best me that I can.

There it is.  Self-care is dependent on self worth.  How can I justify doing what’s best for my body when I don’t see my body as worthy?  How can I justify feeding myself properly, forming good habits, forming good relationships, performing well in my profession, letting my mind dig deep, when deep down I don’t feel that I deserve it?

How many times have I been sitting, perfectly full of food, physically satisfied, but still eating, and eating badly?  I know this is attributable to many different things – addiction, eating disorders, habit – but maybe also to the fact that I don’t feel like I deserve to feel healthy, that I might as well eat anyway, who even cares if I’m thin or fat?  Who cares if I can walk and run and do and be happy.  Really, do I even care?  Really, do I even deserve to care?

Why would I think that I don’t deserve the respect and graciousness that I afford to every other person I know?  That I don’t deserve happiness, or kindness, or health?  Am I so terrible that I don’t have redeeming qualities that make me human, and thereby deserving of humanity?

So, with all of this in mind, I am choosing self-care.  Not just in this moment.  Not just today.  I am choosing to let my mind adjust to the fact that I am mostly a good person.  That I deserve to do what I need to do to keep myself healthy and happy.  Sometimes that’s taking a break from chaos and giving myself a facial or just a long bath.  Sometimes that’s spending some money and some time to go to the gym, or go for a walk.  Sometimes it means making a cake or washing the curtains, or something that gives me a purpose and keeps me busy.  Sometimes it is writing my thoughts out.  And sometimes it means telling myself ‘no’ when my body wants empty calories or too much of something.

I may never be as smart as A, as pretty as B, as savvy as C, or as athletic as D – but as a whole, I’m pretty darn great.  My creator does not do substandard work.  I am a pile of potential just waiting to be nurtured into the best version of who I can be.  In the meantime, I am worthy to be cared for.

My body, my mind

Tags

bariatric surgery, dysmorphia, health, obesity

Hello Friends!  I can’t believe I haven’t written here for two years!  And in those years, so much has happened.  Those of you who know me know that I have, with the help of bariatric surgery, lots of work, and endless tears, changed my body into something totally different. I’ve also changed my mind and my thoughts – but, like the body, the mind is still a work in progress.

Since October 2016, I’ve lost 132 pounds.  Then I’ve gained 15, and re-lost 3.  So I thought of titling this post “I want to lose 10 pounds”!!!  I think that those words say so much about the changes I’ve made, and the ones I haven’t been so successful making.  For someone who has had 130 pounds to lose, 10 pounds seems like a ridiculous thing to worry about.  And, with my new mindset, the number on the scale shouldn’t matter anyway.  But I AM worried about it – and it does matter!  I can hear the old me rolling my eyes from here and now.

I’m happy with my body right now.  I just had skin reconstructive surgery on my abdomen, and looking into the mirror still surprises me by times.  Yes, sometimes I still see the fat, and still think the fat, and still feel the fat.  But sometimes, I want to walk around in my underwear, just because I CAN!  Just because I can wear medium-sized bikini panties and they fit me! Then I put on my clothes, and stand sideways, or lounge on the couch, or see a picture of me beside a svelte friend, and I realize that I’ll never be perfect, I’ll always have sags and bags, and bad fashion sense, and no dance moves – and it makes me sad for a while.

Here’s the best part – I can MOVE!  I can run without flapping, and swim without falling out of my swimsuit.  I can use my elliptical machine and am looking forward to biking in the summer.  But I don’t really know HOW to be active.  I can work out for a while, but then what?  I want to play and have fun, but I’ve never been able to do that as an adult, and don’t quite know how.

This concern leads into my original thought – that I want to lose 10 pounds.  I don’t really care if I lose 10 pounds, but I do care about maintaining the changes I’ve made.  And it will take a lifetime of work to do that – beginning with being more active and always watching my food intake.  The doctors warned that there would be some ‘bounce back’ when I got to my goal.  It’s normal to gain even 20 or 30 pounds – it will take some time for my body to adjust and find a new normal.  But I swore to myself that I would not be that person who gained after losing – not even 10 pounds!  And here I am, being like every other person, teetering with a few pounds and trying to find my normal.  No big deal, right?

But it IS a big deal, because what if I haven’t changed my habits enough, or got my emotions in control enough, or found another way that deals with stress to the same extent as food did?  What if I worked this hard, put my body through this much, just to gradually gain weight again?  Besides, I know how to diet.  I’ve done it my whole life – and I’m pretty good at it in the short term.  But do I want to diet forever? Sustainable change is about taking in the fewest number of calories that I can comfortably maintain – not taking in the fewest calories that I can.  Because I’ve proven that I can subsist on less than 500 calories per day (when my tiny tummy was new), and putting myself into that mindset opens up whole new terrifying problems!

Just so you know, when I’m not over-thinking things and stressing myself out, I am truly enjoying my new self and my new life.  I can totally, without reservation, recommend gastric bypass to people struggling with morbid obesity. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

One of my main goals when I started this journey was to be able to run.  Not as in ‘run a marathon’ or even ‘go for a run’ – but just run while playing with children, or run across a soccer field, or run through a sprinkler.  And I totally can do those things now! And not even feel embarrassed when I do them!

So this is my journey, and although I am still figuring it out, I’m glad I’m on the pathway.  I love comments, so if you’d like to leave me a message, please do!

Choices

It’s been a while!  I look back at old posts and remember who that person was, and see similarities and differences in her and who I am today.

I’ve been busy, friends. It’s vital to have a paycheque, but somehow the soul-crushing truth is that I don’t do well with long hours, long days and continual stress.  I see my contemporaries thrive in careers, ambition taking them further toward goals.  I see myself missing out on life and joy and purpose as I trudge along, just making it through each day while waiting for the next weekend or holiday.

I know that life and work is not meant to be continual happiness, flowers and rainbows.  My job isn’t so bad, and really, would changing jobs do anything for me? Yet, there is that hope, that niggling belief that life should be more than this, and that there is that ‘right’ career for me that would challenge and excite me, that would make the long hours worthwhile, and the exhaustion at the end of the day meaningful.

I’ve always thought that the ‘sameness’ of things was what prompted me to feel this overwhelming sense of being tired of life – but this time, right now, things are changing everyday; both in my work life and in my personal life.  So much is happening, but here is that ‘stuck’ feeling again, and it is almost insurmountable in its urgency.

I am good at my job.  Sometimes I doubt that fact, but it remains that if I were assessing someone with my abilities and execution of duties, I would have to rate them as good at their job.  I could be better if I were given the tools, the authority, and the support I need, but even without these, I do a good job.  The fact that I can’t do my very best job is often frustrating to me, and definitely adds to the stress, but I’ve developed some ‘work-a-rounds’ and deal with things as best I can.

But things are changing!  New technology, new reporting methods, new management – angry people, frightened staff, the need to put up a positive front – all of which I am not enjoying. Stress mounts, office politics grow hot, and my nerves stretch to their max.

I was already questioning my employment situation before the changes, but now the situation has accelerated.  This post is not meant to disrespect my employer or to complain about my job – it is meant to question whether it is necessary for me to make a different employment choice, and to decide if another choice is even a possibility for me.

I wonder if this reluctance for long-term employment, as opposed to self-employment, is a family trait.  My dad, my brother, my sister, my son – all have chosen to be their own masters – their own boss.  There are things about being self-employed that frighten me; stability, economics, failure and lack of ability are some of them. But to be able to do things my own way, in my own time, and to have my best efforts rewarded really appeals to me.  Punching a time clock, working early, working late, working harder and doing more just because you are forced to, without a change in recompense seems counterproductive.

Of course, there is always the chance that this whole overwhelming experience is due to some nutritional deficiency, some mental or emotional reaction to the changes in my own body, or to the new stress techniques I am trying to acclimate to.  Or maybe even just longer term effects of my recent surgery itself.  I’ll talk more about this recent life-changing event in another post at another time.

So, I could use some advice.  Should I begin exploring options like a home daycare, giving piano lessons again, selling Pampered Chef or Watkins or Voxx Socks, baking or cooking for sale out of my home, trying to find a part-time job, or a combination of these things?  Should I make an appointment with my doctor and see if I could take some medical leave while I work things out?  Should I just stick with the job I have and suck it up like a responsible adult?  How about other options?  Any ideas?