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Hello Friends!  I can’t believe I haven’t written here for two years!  And in those years, so much has happened.  Those of you who know me know that I have, with the help of bariatric surgery, lots of work, and endless tears, changed my body into something totally different. I’ve also changed my mind and my thoughts – but, like the body, the mind is still a work in progress.

Since October 2016, I’ve lost 132 pounds.  Then I’ve gained 15, and re-lost 3.  So I thought of titling this post “I want to lose 10 pounds”!!!  I think that those words say so much about the changes I’ve made, and the ones I haven’t been so successful making.  For someone who has had 130 pounds to lose, 10 pounds seems like a ridiculous thing to worry about.  And, with my new mindset, the number on the scale shouldn’t matter anyway.  But I AM worried about it – and it does matter!  I can hear the old me rolling my eyes from here and now.

I’m happy with my body right now.  I just had skin reconstructive surgery on my abdomen, and looking into the mirror still surprises me by times.  Yes, sometimes I still see the fat, and still think the fat, and still feel the fat.  But sometimes, I want to walk around in my underwear, just because I CAN!  Just because I can wear medium-sized bikini panties and they fit me! Then I put on my clothes, and stand sideways, or lounge on the couch, or see a picture of me beside a svelte friend, and I realize that I’ll never be perfect, I’ll always have sags and bags, and bad fashion sense, and no dance moves – and it makes me sad for a while.

Here’s the best part – I can MOVE!  I can run without flapping, and swim without falling out of my swimsuit.  I can use my elliptical machine and am looking forward to biking in the summer.  But I don’t really know HOW to be active.  I can work out for a while, but then what?  I want to play and have fun, but I’ve never been able to do that as an adult, and don’t quite know how.

This concern leads into my original thought – that I want to lose 10 pounds.  I don’t really care if I lose 10 pounds, but I do care about maintaining the changes I’ve made.  And it will take a lifetime of work to do that – beginning with being more active and always watching my food intake.  The doctors warned that there would be some ‘bounce back’ when I got to my goal.  It’s normal to gain even 20 or 30 pounds – it will take some time for my body to adjust and find a new normal.  But I swore to myself that I would not be that person who gained after losing – not even 10 pounds!  And here I am, being like every other person, teetering with a few pounds and trying to find my normal.  No big deal, right?

But it IS a big deal, because what if I haven’t changed my habits enough, or got my emotions in control enough, or found another way that deals with stress to the same extent as food did?  What if I worked this hard, put my body through this much, just to gradually gain weight again?  Besides, I know how to diet.  I’ve done it my whole life – and I’m pretty good at it in the short term.  But do I want to diet forever? Sustainable change is about taking in the fewest number of calories that I can comfortably maintain – not taking in the fewest calories that I can.  Because I’ve proven that I can subsist on less than 500 calories per day (when my tiny tummy was new), and putting myself into that mindset opens up whole new terrifying problems!

Just so you know, when I’m not over-thinking things and stressing myself out, I am truly enjoying my new self and my new life.  I can totally, without reservation, recommend gastric bypass to people struggling with morbid obesity. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

One of my main goals when I started this journey was to be able to run.  Not as in ‘run a marathon’ or even ‘go for a run’ – but just run while playing with children, or run across a soccer field, or run through a sprinkler.  And I totally can do those things now! And not even feel embarrassed when I do them!

So this is my journey, and although I am still figuring it out, I’m glad I’m on the pathway.  I love comments, so if you’d like to leave me a message, please do!