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I’ve been thinking about the importance of looking after myself. Self-care has seemed to me to be indulgent – greedy and self-absorbed. I sometimes think putting myself first means that I think I’m more important than other people. But lately I’m trying to change my perspective, based on the fact that I’ve been told my journey to health is dependent on putting self-care on my list of priorities.
So. What is self-care? Doing whatever I want? Giving in to things that I feel would make myself happy? Turns out, no, that is not what self-care means at all! Self-care means wanting what is best for me physically, mentally, spiritually, socially – in every way – because I am worth being the best me that I can.
There it is. Self-care is dependent on self worth. How can I justify doing what’s best for my body when I don’t see my body as worthy? How can I justify feeding myself properly, forming good habits, forming good relationships, performing well in my profession, letting my mind dig deep, when deep down I don’t feel that I deserve it?
How many times have I been sitting, perfectly full of food, physically satisfied, but still eating, and eating badly? I know this is attributable to many different things – addiction, eating disorders, habit – but maybe also to the fact that I don’t feel like I deserve to feel healthy, that I might as well eat anyway, who even cares if I’m thin or fat? Who cares if I can walk and run and do and be happy. Really, do I even care? Really, do I even deserve to care?
Why would I think that I don’t deserve the respect and graciousness that I afford to every other person I know? That I don’t deserve happiness, or kindness, or health? Am I so terrible that I don’t have redeeming qualities that make me human, and thereby deserving of humanity?
So, with all of this in mind, I am choosing self-care. Not just in this moment. Not just today. I am choosing to let my mind adjust to the fact that I am mostly a good person. That I deserve to do what I need to do to keep myself healthy and happy. Sometimes that’s taking a break from chaos and giving myself a facial or just a long bath. Sometimes that’s spending some money and some time to go to the gym, or go for a walk. Sometimes it means making a cake or washing the curtains, or something that gives me a purpose and keeps me busy. Sometimes it is writing my thoughts out. And sometimes it means telling myself ‘no’ when my body wants empty calories or too much of something.
I may never be as smart as A, as pretty as B, as savvy as C, or as athletic as D – but as a whole, I’m pretty darn great. My creator does not do substandard work. I am a pile of potential just waiting to be nurtured into the best version of who I can be. In the meantime, I am worthy to be cared for.