I imagine that everyone is tired of hearing about that court case where the exes are fighting about who hurt who worse. I was never that interested in it. It did, however, bring a thought to my mind that I’ve been waiting for someone to bring up. I’ve watched all the memes, the rants, the groups, but none of them are talking about what I think is the most important thing to talk about in the whole situation.
From what I can tell, they were both abusive, but everyone sided with him because he seemed more honest, and they loved him in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. No one seems to debate that there was abuse in that relationship, for sure.
He sued her for claiming that she had been in an abusive relationship, obviously meaning with him, although she didn’t name him. Of course, if she said it to hurt his career, that’s terrible! If she said it and it didn’t happen, that’s terrible, too.
But think about it. There is now precedent for someone to take a victim to court because they spoke out. Does no one else see this as a huge step back in the fight against domestic violence? A person gets beaten or raped or degraded. That’s the first bad thing. The person goes to the police and must answer personal and embarrassing questions, be poked and prodded, have pictures of injuries taken, have their credibility questioned. Often, they are told it’s their word against their abuser’s word. That’s the second assault. Now, if they even try to bring the abuse to light, they face being sued for defamation of character. In my mind that’s the assault that might break the camel’s back!
Years ago, I was inappropriately propositioned by an employer and then fired when I refused to go along. It was embarrassing, unfair, made me feel like I’d done something wrong, took away my source of income. Back then, I didn’t speak out. I just shut up and internalized it. I didn’t even tell my friends because it made me feel dirty and ashamed.
Since then, we’ve had the ‘me too’ revolution. Come forward they said. Put the blame where it belongs. Don’t suffer in silence. Let people share your pain, even if you don’t plan to take it any further than that. We are sisters (some brothers, too). We support each other.
But I know now that If I were to speak out and say – “hey, I was inappropriately propositioned by my ex-boss”, and that ex-boss of mine heard or read that I’d said that, he could sue me. He would think I must be talking about him, even if I don’t mention his name. He owns a business. People know I worked for him. He could lose customers.
Now, here is the kicker: is there enough evidence that I could bring forward to prove that I wasn’t just being defamatory? Even if I had pictures and witnesses, could I prove that I wasn’t the one who was at fault? Maybe he has more influential friends and could bring more credible evidence that I had ‘asked for it’. I would be in danger of having to pay huge defamation charges simply because I’d told my story about a very difficult experience.
If it came down to testimony, I might seem like a whiny, entitled witch. When I’m upset, my voice goes all shrill and teary, and I forget words to use. Also, when I stand up for myself, I can seem bossy, strident, aggressive.
My ex-boss is a smooth talker. People like him. He does charity work and is popular in the community. I might be able to bring another person that alleges the same abuse; but he might be able to bring evidence that I’d had experiences before and had said another person had abused me too.
It could get messy and horrible and degrading. And then, I could be ordered to pay him millions of dollars of damages.
So, the message to the women and men who have stories of hurt, degradation, abuse and pain is this: Shut up. Keep it to yourself. You might have been as much to blame as your abuser was. If you say anything about anyone that you can’t prove in a court of law, you could be sued for defamation and loss of income.
And for all the promises for support, togetherness, people standing with you and believing your pain that we’ve been told, it might not work that way. You may end up bearing the brunt of anger and vitriol and hate and derision from the very people who said they’d support you. Your accused abuser may be a well-liked person, or your perception of events may be different than someone else’s.
It turns out that both those famous people in the news may have been abused – but each of them obviously thought that the other was the abuser. I see no lie in telling someone you felt you were in an abusive relationship. But the judge’s ruling was that the woman should not have said that she was abused. To the tune of $15,000,000. And the man should not have abused her. To the tune of $2,000,000.
Welcome back to the time of hiding your bruises behind a scarf and giggling when your boss grabs your ass at the office.